Where the Heart Is
by KJaneway115
Summary: After her mother's death, Kathryn Janeway tries to figure out where she belongs. In search of the family she has lost, she attempts to reconnect with some of her former crew.


_A/N: This story was written for American Fantasy for the 2012 VAMB Secret Santa Exchange. Her request: A romantic J/C story about Janeway's struggle to give into her feelings for Chakotay, when she realizes that she may have been pushing him away too far. Many thanks to American Fantasy for the request and to Mizvoy for being a patient and thoughtful editor._

* * *

**Where the Heart Is**

_By KJaneway115_

The old porch steps creaked under her boots as she ascended, and the hollow sound seemed louder than it had that morning. She stomped on the door mat, snow falling from her boots in little cakes, and keyed in the access code to open the door. The house was dark and quiet - far quieter than it had been a few hours earlier when the running feet and laughing voices of Phoebe's children had filled it. She turned on the light and hung up her coat in the hall closet, then went into the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea.

The mug was warm in her hands, but she felt strangely cold inside as she stood in the darkened living room. Outside the Indiana farmhouse, the full moon cast an eerie luster on the snow-covered lawn. In the the glow of the moonbeams, the snow sparkled, and she could remember a time when nothing had been more exciting than a yard full of snow. She and Phoebe had rushed outside, bundled up in coats, mittens and scarves, to make snowmen and snow angels. They had pretended they were lost on a distant, icy planet, or that they were ancient pioneers coming west through a harsh winter. Now, the yard was filled with tracks left by Phoebe's children, and a lopsided snowman complete with a carrot nose, top hat and scarf stood near the end of the driveway. Despite the playfulness that had filled the yard that morning, it felt barren and empty now. The snow no longer seemed like a fluffy cloud inviting imaginative stories, but like a harsh, cold wasteland. The whole house felt empty, as though a crucial element of its character was missing. And it was.

Gretchen Janeway was dead. She had fallen down the stairs in the old barn and hit her head. By the time a neighbor had found her, she was already gone. Phoebe and her family had come from Relva VII for the funeral and had stayed for a week, but they had left on the evening transport, and the woman staring out the window was alone in the cold, dark, empty house. Finishing her tea, she turned out the lights and placed her mug in the sink. She walked up the stairs and into her childhood bedroom. Once in the familiar safety of her room, Kathryn Janeway threw herself down on the bed and cried.

* * *

_THREE DAYS LATER_

"Admiral Janeway?" Admiral Hayes cleared his throat awkwardly, and Janeway realized she had lost track of the conversation several minutes earlier.

"I'm sorry," she said. "What did you ask?"

"We were discussing who would be a better choice for the next captain of the Ganymede, Chisk or Guellehan. What do you think?"

Kathryn stared at Hayes blankly, realizing that she couldn't care less whether Chisk or Guellehan commanded the Ganymede even though she knew she should. Chisk had offered to take her to lunch the week before, and Guellehan had sent her a bottle of wine. She had ignored both of them. She glanced around the table and noticed that the other admirals were watching her, waiting with baited breath for her to speak. Every one of them had a stake in this choice, and when she voiced an opinion, some would invite her for a drink while others would jump down her throat. The air in the briefing room suddenly seemed heavy and oppressive. The muscles in her shoulders tightened, and inexplicable tears stung the backs of her eyes. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "I'm not feeling very well. If you send my aide a reminder, I'll be sure to submit my recommendation in writing."

"That's fine," said Hayes. He was probably hoping that if she took more time to consider her decision, she would come around to his point of view, whatever that was.

"Perhaps you should take the afternoon off," suggested Admiral Patterson, "if you're not feeling well."

Janeway's customary protest that she was fine died on her lips as she realized that, in truth, she would take any excuse to escape the oppressive heat of the briefing room. Her voice trembled as she said, "Yes, thank you. I think I'll do that. Gentlemen, will you excuse me?"

Hayes, Patterson, Whatley and Nakamura murmured the appropriate sentiments, hoping she felt better, but Kathryn barely heard them as she exited the room. In the hallway, she slumped against the wall, breathing deeply. Get a grip, she told herself. What is wrong with me?

She escaped to her office where she asked her aide to reschedule her meetings for the rest of the day, grabbed her coat, and hurried out the door. Once outside in the cool San Francisco air, she instantly felt her head clear. She needed some time to think, to process everything that had happened. A heavy fog hung over the city, and she began to walk without a destination in mind. She needed to get away from Headquarters.

She thought back to the briefing room and wondered what had come over her. It was unlike her to lose focus, and even more unlike her to lose control of her emotions. She didn't even know what had made the tears spring to her eyes. But she had to admit, things like that had been happening to her of late.

Since her mother's death, she'd felt no passion for her work. The day-to-day bureaucracy of the admiralty wore on her, and she felt completely uninspired and uninterested. Starfleet politics seemed petty and childish. She managed to complete the tasks that were required of her, but she felt as though she were walking around in a dull fog, much like the one that hung over the city now. Tears sprang to her eyes again. She felt trapped.

The promotion to admiral had been offered to her shortly after Voyager's return. She'd still been reeling from their homecoming and Starfleet's decision not to grant commissions to the Maquis members of her crew. She'd been so angry that she'd taken the promotion out of spite, without really thinking it through, hoping that if she became an admiral herself, she'd be in a better position to influence Starfleet policy. Instead, she'd found herself mired in bureaucracy and politics, unable to effect change where it was badly needed.

A pang of guilt went through her as she thought of the third of her crew that had been expelled from Starfleet after their seven years of service on Voyager had come to a sudden close. Angered and disillusioned, Chakotay, Tom, B'Elanna, and most of the other former Maquis had gone to Dorvan. The settlements on the planet had been ravaged by the Dominion War, and many felt that rebuilding them was an opportunity to give back to the people who had fought alongside their Maquis compatriots. Chakotay, who had in his youth abandoned his homeland for Starfleet, now reversed his decision. He had offered jobs for any of Voyager's crew who wanted them, and many had taken him up on his offer, including Tal Celes and Billy Telfer, who had never quite fit into the Starfleet mold.

Kathryn felt as though she had failed them all, and she had spent hours reviewing her words from Voyager's debriefings, trying to find the weakness in her argument and attempting to understand how she'd been railroaded so easily by the admiralty. She felt so terrible about the situation with the Maquis that she couldn't bring herself to contact Chakotay or any of the others, much as she missed having them in her life. She heard occasional updates from Admiral Paris, but her heart always constricted when he showed her holos of little Miral, now six months old, growing up so many light years away from her grandparents. Kathryn smiled and spoke empty words of praise to Owen, but in her heart, she knew that she had failed him, too.

She stopped walking, finding herself in Golden Gate Park, looking out towards the water. She wondered why her footsteps had brought her here, of all places. This had been one of her mother's favorite spots to visit when she came to San Francisco. They had shared many cups of coffee and many conversations while looking at the Golden Gate Bridge or watching tourists pass by. Kathryn longed for a warm cup of coffee in her hands and her mother's comforting presence by her side, but she forced the thought away, knowing it would never happen again. If only we'd had more time, she thought, looking off into the distance. The fog hung heavily like a murky, gray soup, and when Kathryn tried to find the towers of the bridge, she found that the clouds obscured them completely.

* * *

_TWO WEEKS LATER_

"Here are those specs you wanted, Comman... Chakotay." Tal Celes mentally kicked herself. How many times would he have to remind her not to call him by his former rank? She'd been on Dorvan almost six months, and she still forgot. "Sorry."

He laughed, his brown eyes sparkling as he looked up at her. "That's all right, Celes. You'll get the hang of it eventually." He took the PADD and studied her, noticing the sweat on her brow. "How about an iced tea?"

"That would be great, thanks."

Chakotay opened the refrigeration unit and took out a pitcher of iced tea. He poured two glasses and handed one to Celes. She had come to see him in his office, such as it was - a small room in the basement of a store, where he oversaw the teams working to rebuild Dorvan. He had been the natural candidate to take the leadership role, and in only six months on the planet, he had already accomplished a great deal. Tom, B'Elanna, Mike Ayala and Mariah Henley all headed up different projects, and his favorite days were the ones he spent in the field with them. Today, however, was a day in the office, and he did feel a small measure of gratitude as the temperature was scorching hot outside.

"How are things working out for you and Billy?" he asked as he handed Celes the cool glass.

She blushed. She and Billy Telfer had moved in together a few weeks earlier. "Good, I guess." She tried not to gulp her tea too fast.

"You guess?" Chakotay, in addition to heading up the restoration team, had become something of a father figure to Voyager's former crew, a role which he was happy to fulfill.

"He leaves his socks everywhere!" Tal admitted. "This morning I found one on the kitchen counter."

Chakotay let out a deep belly laugh. "Well at least he's past his germophobe phase."

Celes wrinkled her nose. "I guess."

Chakotay's communicator buzzed. The colony ran on an extremely limited budget, so they had salvaged some old communicators from the era when they were large, handheld devices, rather than small pins. The communicators weren't quite as old as Captain Kirk, but some days it seemed they might as well be. Chakotay pressed a button to answer the call. "Chakotay here."

"Hey," said Tom Paris, "do you have a minute to come up here? I'd like your opinion on this irrigation canal."

"Sure. I'll be right there." He tapped the device again to end the conversation. "Thanks for bringing this information over, Celes. And good luck with the socks."

"Thanks, Comman... Argh! Chakotay."

Chakotay chuckled as he followed Tal out of the basement and into the scalding heat of the Dorvan sun. He found Tom just outside the settlement, working on a large plot of land they had set aside as a community farm. With the proper irrigation system, Chakotay figured the colonists would be able to grow 80% of their food, which would cut down on their reliance on supply ships and replicators. Tom had stripped down to shorts and a light cotton t-shirt, a wise choice in the hot sun. Chakotay's linen trousers and white, short-sleeved shirt were light and airy, but he still felt a bead of sweat trickle down the back of his neck. "It's hot as hell out here," Chakotay said as he approached the younger man.

"You're telling me. You've been holed up in your nice, cool office all day."

"Is that why you called me? To make me suffer like you?"

Tom laughed. "Nah. I wanted to show you this irrigation plot." He handed Chakotay a sketch of the field. "I thought you'd want to look at the sketch and the field at the same time." He paused. "Besides, I know the truth."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "What's that?"

"You hate being stuck in the office all day."

Chakotay chuckled. "You've got me there." He studied the sketch for a moment longer and then began to walk through the area, trying to imagine it populated with lush green crops instead of covered with sand. "This is good, Tom," he said as they walked. "I might have a couple suggestions for you, and, of course, your wife might have some, too."

"Yeah, I haven't shown it to B'Elanna yet. She's still working on the housing dilemma."

Chakotay nodded, squinting in the sun's glare as he looked out at the barren field once more. "Just imagine what this will look like when we're done, Tom. It's going to be beautiful."

Paris nodded. "I know. I never thought I'd get such pleasure out of doing this kind of work. I always imagined that being at the helm of a starship was my only road to happiness."

The two men began to walk back towards the settlement. "It's funny how our perceptions of what makes us happy change over time," Chakotay mused.

"It is." Tom paused, then shifted the topic of conversation. "When was the last time you talked to the admiral?"

Chakotay stiffened. "It's been at least three months. She sent a perfunctory response to my message letting her know we were here, but she hasn't replied to me since. Why do you ask?"

"I talked to my dad this morning. He told me that Gretchen Janeway passed away."

Chakotay went very still. "When?"

"A few weeks ago?"

"Oh, god. Kathryn." Suddenly all the resentment he'd been harboring towards her, all the anger at her withdrawal from their lives, melted away. His heart went out to the woman who, despite everything, he still considered his best friend. Then he crossed his arms over his chest. "Why didn't she call me?"

Tom shrugged. "Knowing her, she doesn't want to burden you." He paused. "I think she feels guilty about the way things turned out for us. I think she always thought when we got home that we'd all be celebrated heroes, not that a third of us would be living in exile while she, Harry, and Tuvok got all the glory."

"Yeah." It had crossed Chakotay's mind that Kathryn had withdrawn from them because of some misplaced feeling of guilt. He had figured that eventually she'd come around, and if she hadn't, well, truth be told, he had grown tired of chasing her down and trying to convince her to open up to him. If she didn't value his friendship enough to make an effort, so be it. But this news changed everything. Her guilt over the Maquis situation coupled with her mother's death could be a disastrous combination for her. He vowed to send her a message as soon as he got home that night. "Thanks for letting me know, Tom."

"Sure." Tom sighed. "You know, Chakotay, I really miss her."

Chakotay swallowed hard. "Me, too."

* * *

_THE NEXT DAY_

Kathryn Janeway walked into her apartment and plopped down on the couch. A day of meetings with admirals and diplomats had left her feeling exhausted. She was relieved every night to come home and leave Headquarters behind, although a nagging voice at the back of her mind told her she shouldn't feel that way. She forced herself to remain focused on her work, for she found that when she let her mind wander, her emotions got out of control. Phoebe had taken to calling every few days, and Kathryn would answer and tell her sister she was fine. She put on a good face, knowing that Phoebe was concerned about her falling into a depression as she had when their father had died.

She made herself rise from the sofa and went into the bedroom to change into something more comfortable. She had to complete a report for Admiral Hayes tonight. It was the last thing she wanted to do, but she sat down at her desk and activated her computer terminal. All she wanted was to curl up with a cup of tea and a good book - something that would transport her to another world - but she made herself finish the report first.

Then she noticed the blinking light that indicated she had a message waiting. It was unusual for her to receive a message on her personal account. Only Phoebe and a few others contacted her there rather than via Starfleet, and she had already spoken to her sister that morning. When a familiar face appeared on the screen in front of her, her hand flew to her mouth and she gasped aloud.

"Hello, Kathryn. It's been a while." He smiled his beautifully dimpled smile, and then his expression grew serious. "I heard about your mother's passing, and I wanted to let you know how sorry I am. I know what it feels like when both your parents are gone. I'm sure it's been very difficult for you."

He looked down at his lap for a moment before raising his eyes and continuing. "I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I was angry at the way you withdrew from me - from all of us - after the debriefings ended. Tom Paris said today that you probably feel guilty about the way things turned out. Don't. I'm happy here. We all are. Miral is going to have a wonderful place to grow up, and Tom Paris is excited about designing our new irrigation system. Can you imagine? He told me today that he's as happy here as he ever was at the helm of a starship. That surprised me. Oh, and Tal Celes and Billy Telfer moved in together. I'm not sure if that's a match made in heaven or a disaster waiting to happen. I guess time will tell." He paused. "We miss you, Kathryn. You're in our thoughts every day, especially now. Remember, you are not alone." The image froze.

With a shaking hand, she reached out to touch his face on the screen. He seemed so far away - Chakotay, Tom, B'Elanna, all of them did. They had been her family for seven years, and now they were absent from her life. Most of the Starfleet crew had departed for other assignments while she had been left on Earth. Her mother, who been her touchstone, was gone forever, and Kathryn was truly alone. For a long time after the message ended, she sat staring at the screen, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.

* * *

_TWO DAYS LATER_

Janeway had tried five times to compose a response to Chakotay's message. Each time, she stopped almost as soon as she began. What do I have to say to him? she wondered. He's reaching out because he feels sorry for me, and he's a caring, compassionate man. But you heard him, Kathryn. He's happy there, maybe happier than he's ever been. Certainly happier than he was on Voyager. He's moved on with his life, as he should. You have no claim on him.

She shook her head, trying to force her attention back to her computer terminal. Somehow, Cardassian fleet movements just didn't seem that interesting. She rubbed her temples, feeling the beginnings of a headache, and was just about to get herself a cup of coffee when the door chimed. "Come in." She wasn't expecting any visitors, but when she looked up and saw who entered the room, her face broke into a grin. "Harry!"

"Hello, Admiral."

"It's so good to see you." She walked over to him and enfolded him in a warm hug.

As Kim wrapped his arms around her, he noticed how thin she was. He hugged her tighter; she seemed to need the support, and he was content to offer her comfort for as long as she would accept it.

Finally, she broke away. "When did you get in?"

"We just made orbit this morning."

"Would you like a cup of coffee?"

"That sounds great."

Janeway led Harry over to the seating area that adjoined her office. She had arranged the room very much like her ready room on Voyager; it felt homey that way. She poured coffee from the china set on the table where her aide always kept a fresh pot ready for her. "Milk or sugar?"

"Sugar, please. No milk."

She fixed their coffees and sat down beside Harry. Before she could speak, he said, "I'm sorry about your mom."

She swallowed hard and looked away. "Thanks, Harry."

"I'm sure it's been really tough."

She looked back at him in surprise. "Yes. Yes, it has, actually."

"You were like a surrogate mother to a lot of us on Voyager. We all had you to turn to, your strength to rely on, but who do you have? It must be very lonely." Janeway couldn't find her voice, and Kim suddenly worried that he had overstepped his bounds. "I'm sorry, Admiral, I didn't mean to..."

Janeway cut him off with a hand on his knee. "No, Harry, you're right. It's very lonely." Somehow, Kim had managed to verbalize in a few sentences a thought that had been eluding her for weeks. She was lonely, much more so than she'd ever been on Voyager. Chakotay had said in his message that she wasn't alone, but that was hard for her to believe. In only a few sentences, he had captured the close knit feeling of his community on Dorvan, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that this feeling was something she longed to share. A sudden flash of insight hit her; perhaps she could share it, at least for a brief time. "Didn't I read that the Challenger is heading out towards the Badlands on its next mission?"

Harry was taken aback by her abrupt change in tone. "Um, yes. We're leaving orbit in the morning."

"How do you think Captain Bowen would feel about an extra passenger?"

It took a moment for Kim to catch on, but when he did, his face broke out into a broad grin. "I'm sure he won't mind, Admiral. Tom and B'Elanna will be so excited. And Chakotay..."

Janeway put a hand on Harry's arm, blanching at the mention of her former first officer. She wasn't even sure he'd want to see her. "I'm swearing you to secrecy on this, Mr. Kim. You're not going to breathe a word to anyone. Is that understood?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Now get out of here. I have a few hundred meetings to cancel. And besides, the next two weeks will give us plenty of time to catch up properly."

Kim's grin widened. "Yes, ma'am!"

As Janeway sat down at her computer terminal to rearrange her schedule, she decided she must be crazy. She was running out on her job, her home, everything, and for what? To what? She didn't even know. What she did know, and what her conversation with Harry had put into stark relief, was that with her crew, she had never been truly alone, something Chakotay had tried to tell her many times. But since her mother's death, she had become more and more isolated. During her seven years in the Delta Quadrant, she had drifted away from all the friends she'd had on Earth. Although she'd tried to reconnect with some of them upon her return, she found that she had nothing in common with them anymore. Sometimes she felt she could only truly relate to others who had shared her intense seven year journey; she could not describe many of her experiences to someone who had not been there.

Upon Voyager's return, Starfleet Command had encouraged her to take an extended leave, but she had refused. She had needed the consistency of her work amidst all the changes in her life. Command might complain, now, about the last minute nature of her request, but they would grant it. Plenty of other people could make decisions about the new captain for the Ganymede. There wasn't a single thing she was doing here that couldn't be handled just as well by a dozen other admirals. She sent a message to Admiral Hayes requesting a three month leave, effective immediately.

* * *

_TWO WEEKS LATER  
_

As Kathryn set foot on Dorvan soil, she wondered for the five hundredth time that day if she were completely insane. The Challenger had rendezvoused with a small transport heading for Dorvan, and it was from that ill kept vessel that she was currently debarking. What the hell am I doing here? she thought as the Dorvan sun beat down on her arms, exposed by the short sleeves of her white cotton dress. Harry had insisted that Tom and the others would be thrilled to see her, but she wasn't so sure. She hadn't spoken to any of them in over four months. They had every reason to resent her - first for her failure to get Starfleet to recognize them as legitimate officers and second for her lack of communication. She hadn't told anyone she was coming, and as she stepped off the transport, she wondered if that had been a mistake. Would they want to see her?

With only two landing pads, the small transport station's interior was virtually deserted. Kathryn had been the only passenger on her transport, a vessel which mostly functioned as a supply ship, and it didn't look like there were any other passengers waiting to depart. The station's decor was about a hundred years out of date. The carpet was worn and the two rows of chairs looked badly in need of new upholstery. There was no air conditioning and little ventilation. She paused to wipe the sweat from her brow.

"Can I help you?" Startled, Janeway looked up to see a teenage girl sitting at the station's reception desk. The girl wore jeans and a cropped t-shirt that revealed her bare midriff. Her sandaled feet rested comfortably on the desk in front of her, and she idly twirled her long black hair in her fingers.

"Um, yes. I believe you can."

The girl pulled her feet off the desk and planted them on the floor. "Wait a minute. I know who you are. You're Admiral Janeway."

Kathryn blushed. "Guilty on all counts, I'm afraid. I guess my reputation precedes me."

"Oeyum's told me all about you."

"Oeyum?"

"Oh, sorry. The universal translator doesn't recognize some of the ancient words. My uncle."

Kathryn looked at the girl's tan skin, jet black hair and chocolate eyes, and it clicked. "You're Chakotay's niece."

"Yep." The girl stood, extending her hand over the counter. "Nikaj. Welcome to Dorvan." Janeway shook the girl's hand and saw confusion cross her features. "My uncle didn't mention that you were coming."

Janeway blushed again. "I didn't tell him, Nikaj. In fact, I didn't tell anyone I was coming, and now I'm at a bit of a loss, I'm afraid. Can you recommend someplace where I can stay? A hotel perhaps?"

Nikaj laughed. Her eyes sparkled and Kathryn noticed that she had inherited the family dimples. "There aren't any hotels on Dorvan, Admiral. Why don't I take you to see Oeyum. He's in charge of things around here these days; he'll know what to do with you."

Kathryn felt nervousness settle into the pit of her stomach, but there was no use prolonging the inevitable. "Okay."

"Let me take your bag. "

"Oh, no, it's all right. I've got it."

"Okay, Admiral. Whatever you say."

Janeway noticed a mixture of irreverence and admiration in Nikaj's tone when she used her rank, and she wondered if most Dorvans felt the same lack of respect where Starfleet was concerned. "Are you sure you don't mind taking me? Don't you have to mind the station?"

"Nah, I'll be back soon enough. No one comes to Dorvan these days." Nikaj jotted something down on a piece of paper and taped it to the station's door. "Out. Back in 20." Then she led Janeway outside. "It's a Saturday, so Oeyum should be at home." Nikaj led them down a dusty path that headed away from the settlement.

Kathryn felt incredibly out of place in her summer dress and high heeled shoes next to the teenage girl who was so comfortable in her jeans, sandals and her own skin. Janeway broke the uncomfortable silence. "You seem awfully young to be in charge of the transport station."

"I finished all the school that's available on Dorvan last year."

"I see. Are you planning on going to college?" She was careful to eliminate any judgment from her tone, not wanting to offend Chakotay's niece.

Nikaj responded easily. "I want to. My mom wouldn't let me go this year. I'm only fifteen, so we made a deal. She said if I stayed on Dorvan for a year and worked at the station, I can apply to the Academy next year, if I still want to."

"The Academy? Starfleet Academy?" Janeway couldn't keep the surprise from her voice after the disdain the girl seemed to hold for Starfleet.

"Yeah. I want to study science. I've already read some of the first year material on biology and genetics. Oeyum leant it to me."

"You must be very smart." Nikaj shrugged noncommittally. "You want to join Starfleet even after..." Kathryn paused awkwardly.

"After they screwed us over with the Cardassian treaty?" Janeway nodded, impressed with the young woman's candor. Nikaj shrugged again. "Starfleet Academy is the best place in the quadrant to study science. Unless you want to go to Vulcan, and hanging out with a bunch of guys who spend their lives repressing all emotion is not my idea of a good time. I don't think I want to be on a starship. I don't want to fight any battles or make first contact with aliens, the way you and Oeyum have. But there are lots of good research positions in Starfleet. I want to invent something new or discover something no one's ever understood before. Ya know?"

Kathryn smiled. "I do know. I was in the sciences before I switched to command."

"Really?"

Janeway felt that she had suddenly earned a little more of Nikaj's respect. "Yes. My degree is in quantum cosmology."

They turned off the road down a narrower path, and Kathryn sensed that they were approaching their destination. The nervousness that had abated during her conversation with Nikaj now returned full force. Her steps slowed as they approached the house - a building in which she recognized Chakotay's handiwork instantly. The home was partially set back into a hillside, so the hill formed part of the back wall. It was constructed from a tan clay that resembled the adobe houses of Earth, and two sides jutted out in a triangle off of the hillside. Two wooden doors formed the point of the triangle, both carved intricately with animals and wildlife, and a small tower rose above the doorways, the only point where the building had a second floor. Several small windows with wooden shutters let in natural light. Kathryn couldn't help but admire the craftsmanship; it was a beautiful home.

"Wait here," Nikaj instructed, leaving Janeway at the side of the building. The girl grinned, and suddenly her casual indifference evaporated. "Oeyum's going to be so surprised." Giddy with excitement, the teenager pounded on the door. "Oeyum! I have a surprise for you."

A moment later, Chakotay appeared, and Nikaj instantly threw her hands over his eyes. "Close your eyes!"

"Nika, what is going on?" he asked, trying to pry her hands from his face.

"I told you, it's a surprise. Now close your eyes and don't open them till I tell you."

"Okay. They're closed."

Nikaj slowly removed her fingers, checking to make sure her uncle's eyes were really shut. Then she took his hand and led him across the yard until he was face to face with Janeway, about a meter in front of her. "Okay. You can open your eyes now."

Chakotay froze. There in front of him was his former captain, in a white sun dress and high heeled shoes that were entirely too formal for Dorvan, looking slightly bedraggled and trailing a black suitcase. He stood, mouth slightly open, and stared at her, not knowing what to say.

Kathryn was likewise transfixed, gaping at her former first officer. He looked good, she realized - very good. The hours in the hot sun had left his skin darker than she had ever seen it, and his well-toned arms showed under his short sleeved, cotton shirt.

Nikaj watched them with more than casual interest. She had heard a great deal about this woman from her uncle, but she had heard more in what he didn't say about Kathryn Janeway than what he did. Secretly, she hoped that the admiral's surprise visit would lead to a romantic adventure for the uncle she loved and admired so much.

Chakotay found his voice first. "Kathryn."

She cleared her throat. "Chakotay, I'm sorry for dropping in on you like this. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have called ahead. I should have..." She was babbling, but she stopped when he stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. She was shocked, and before she could even return the gesture, he had let her go again.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "What matters is that you're here. We've all missed you."

"I... I missed all of you, too." Her voice caught in her throat, and she looked away. Thankfully, Chakotay allowed the moment to pass and turned to his niece.

"You made her lug that suitcase all the way from the station?"

"I offered to take it for her. She refused."

Chakotay chuckled. "That's Kathryn Janeway for you. Give her a hard path and she'll take it over an easy one every time." Met by a Janeway death glare, he threw up his hands in surrender. "I'm just teasing. You're going to have to get used to a more laid back attitude if you're going to stay here." He paused. "You are staying, aren't you? You don't have to be on the next transport out or anything?"

She shook her head. "I have two and a half months left of leave. I thought I'd stay for a week or two. I'd love to see what you're doing here and find out about all of your lives. I should have come months ago."

"You're here now."

She wondered if she imagined the softness in his tone, the gentleness in his eyes. Was it possible that he didn't resent her after all? Would they be able to find again the close friendship they had shared on Voyager? She felt hopeful. "I, uh, need a place to stay. Nikaj said you might have an idea about that."

"Of course. You're welcome to stay here, in my spare room." Chakotay mistook the surprise on Kathryn's face for rejection, and quickly amended, "A lot of people have extra space. I'm sure you could stay with Mike Ayala or Mariah Henley."

"No, I'd... I'd love to stay in your home, Chakotay." She gestured to the building. "It's beautiful, by the way. I would recognize your craftsmanship anywhere."

He grinned. "Come on inside. Nika, back to work."

"But Oeyum..."

He gave her a stern look. "Now."

"Yes, Oeyum." The teenager sulked off in the direction of the station, and Chakotay took Kathryn's suitcase from her hand, his fingers inadvertently brushing hers as he did so.

Her eyes snapped to his face as he said, "I'll show you to your room." He led her into the house which was perfectly him. The decor was warm and inviting, the clay floors lined with homespun rugs, the furniture carved from a light wood that was native to the planet. Janeway recognized a few decorative objects from Chakotay's quarters on Voyager.

As he led her up a narrow stairwell, she struggled to fill the silence between them. "I like your niece."

He smiled ruefully. "She takes after me a bit too much for her mother, I'm afraid."

"She told me she wants to go to the Academy."

"And that surprises you?" Chakotay asked as he opened a thick, wooden door at the top of the stairs.

"Well, I would have thought that your people would harbor some resentment towards Starfleet. After all, you wouldn't need to rebuild if we'd handled the Cardassian treaty better in the first place."

Chakotay led her into a sunlit room. A vibrant patchwork quilt covered the bed at the center of the room. In one corner sat a wardrobe, hand carved from the same wood as the furniture downstairs, and in another corner was a small writing desk. Colorful curtains adorned the windows. "Many people do feel that way," Chakotay responded, "but Nika is, as I said, a little too much like her Oeyum."

"A contrary?"

Chakotay chuckled. "Exactly. Well, here's your room. It's nothing fancy, probably a far cry from what you're used to."

"It's wonderful, Chakotay. Thank you. Did you do all of this yourself?"

He nodded. "Well, Sekaya did most of the weaving. She even sells her rugs and blankets in town. We all helped each other with the houses, but I did all the carving. I've actually got quite a good little side business going with the woodworking."

"I'm amazed at what you've done in only six months."

"Wait till you see what we're going to do with the colony," he replied with a grin.

She put her hands on her hips. "Where's the bathtub?"

He laughed. "If I had known you were coming, I would have built you one, Kathryn." He paused and looked at her closely. "I still could, if you want to stay."

She looked away, avoiding the intensity of his gaze. "Well, I should change into some more appropriate clothes."

He didn't press her. "I'll be downstairs. When you're ready, I'll take you to see the others." He flashed a dimpled grin. "Tom and B'Elanna are in for a real shock."

She watched his back as he retreated down the stairs. Seeing him here, like this, she finally began to believe what he had said in his messages - he was happy here. It seemed to her that he was more fully himself than she had ever known him to be, and she wondered if she would ever feel as comfortable and happy in her life as he seemed to be in his.

* * *

_NINE HOURS LATER_

Kathryn's stomach muscles hurt from laughing. She and Chakotay had just left the Paris-Torres home, a warm, inviting house on the opposite side of town from Chakotay's. Kathryn knew that she should be exhausted after her day of travel, but for the first time in weeks, she felt alive.

After she had changed into a more casual sundress and flat shoes, Chakotay had taken her around the settlement to see her former crew. Tom and B'Elanna were thrilled at her presence, and so was little Miral, who giggled when the newly christened "Aunt Kathryn" ticked her tummy. Janeway marveled at how much the baby had grown in the six months since she had seen her. "I know you have lots of others to see, but we'd love it if you would join us for dinner," Tom had said. She and Chakotay had agreed to come back at seven.

Then Chakotay had shown her the settlement. Chell had opened a small store that sold provisions from the supply ships as well as handmade crafts by the colonists. Ken Dalby ran the 24th century equivalent of the local hardware store, where he sold spare parts and repaired damaged equipment. Gerron, the young Bajoran who had seemed so angry at the beginning of Voyager's journey, surprised Janeway by giving her a welcoming hug and insisting that she come by and meet his fiancee, a local girl. Kathryn was impressed by how well her former crew had adjusted. "You've all built lives for yourselves in such a short time."

"We were easily accepted here," Chakotay had explained. "The colonists welcomed us. They badly needed leadership for the restoration work, and with the back pay Starfleet gave us, we've been able to contribute a lot of valuable resources." Janeway had nodded and felt a small measure of satisfaction. She had at least been able to get Starfleet to reimburse all the members of her crew for their seven years of service.

Dinner at Tom and B'Elanna's had been one joke after another as Tom had revealed pranks he'd played on Harry over the years and B'Elanna added snide jabs at her husband. Janeway joined in, recounting some of the more amusing anecdotes from her Academy days. Even with Phoebe, Kathryn didn't feel as 'at home' as she did with these people, and as she and Chakotay strolled through the warm night, she felt more content than she had in a very long time.

Chakotay glanced at her and saw the wistful smile on her face. "Glad you came?"

"Oh, yes."

Their shoes crunched in the sand as they walked through town. The shops were closed for the night and only a few people milled about the square. "Why did you come, Kathryn?"

She avoided his eyes. "I needed to get away."

He regarded her with concern; running away wasn't like her. "Starfleet not the same as you remember?"

She kicked a rock out of her path. "No, Starfleet's the same. I think I'm the one that's changed."

"Not surprising considering all you've been through in the past seven years."

"I guess not." She paused. "I think there was a part of me that needed to see that you're really happy here."

They had crossed to the other side of the settlement and turned down the path that led to Chakotay's house. He stopped and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Kathryn, you have nothing to feel guilty about. We all know you did everything you could to get Starfleet to accept us. No one blames you for what happened. Many probably would have left Starfleet even if we had been granted our field commissions."

"Would you have?"

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "But what I do know is that you did your best. No one here blames you for what happened; you shouldn't blame yourself. We may not live in the lap of luxury, but we have a good life on Dorvan."

"I'm starting to see that." He removed his hand from her shoulder and they continued their stroll. "Chakotay, I'm sorry for not responding to your messages for all those months. That's no way to treat a friend."

They had arrived at the house, and he turned to look at her, her face illuminated by the glow of the exterior lights. He was surprised by her words; apologies did not come easily to Kathryn Janeway; at least, they never had before. He offered her a gentle smile. "Apology accepted."

Janeway hesitated. "So are we friends again?"

"Kathryn, we were always friends." He unbolted the door and held it open for her. "We just drifted apart for a while, that's all."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I hope that my being here will change that."

"I think it already has."

She took a deep breath. "Thank you for a wonderful day, Chakotay. I'm going to get some rest. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

He disappeared into his bedroom and she walked up the narrow stairwell to hers. She found the little bed to be surprisingly comfortable, and that night, under the soft patchwork quilt made by Chakotay's sister, Kathryn Janeway slept better than she had in a long time.

* * *

_ONE WEEK LATER_

As Chakotay approached his house at the end of the day, he saw lights on and realized that Kathryn must have made it home before him. He'd been glad to see her taking advantage of her time on Dorvan to relax and enjoy herself. He had a feeling it had been a long while since she'd taken any time for herself, and he knew that she must need it badly if she'd taken leave voluntarily. She had explored the settlement and the surrounding area and seen all the restoration projects his teams were in charge of. She had visited Tom and B'Elanna several times and had even volunteered to look after Miral one afternoon. She had spent time with every member of her former crew, confirming that they were all healthy and happy. The more she became assured of that fact, the more she seemed to relax, Chakotay noticed.

They had shared a meal together every night that week - sometimes with just the two of them, and sometimes with others. Gerron and his fiancee had invited them over one night, and Chakotay knew that Kathryn had been touched by the gesture and impressed with how far the young man had come. Both Gerron and his fiancee were now teachers at the local school.

Chakotay and Kathryn's friendship had fallen back into a comfortable, familiar pattern, as it had been at the best times on Voyager. They spoke about their daily activities, and Chakotay occasionally brought home a problem from work that she would help him solve. She seemed far more at home than she had upon her arrival, but he still sensed that she was holding something back from him and guessed that she had only revealed part of the reason for her coming to Dorvan. But he was content to let her speak in her own time, or not at all. He had made himself available to her as a friend, and while he saw the possibility for something more between them, this time, he was going to wait for Kathryn to come to him.

As he opened the front door to his house, he heard two soft female voices in the kitchen. The first calm, patient voice was Kathryn's. "No. Look at it again. What's the first step?"

He heard a loud, frustrated sigh which could only belong to his niece, but then her tone brightened. "To obtain the wave function?"

He could detect the pride in Kathryn's tone when she said, "That's right."

He strode into the kitchen to find the two of them pouring over a set of PADDs. He glanced over Nikaj's shoulder. "Quantum mechanics?"

She beamed up at him. "Yup. The admiral is helping me study for the Academy entrance exam."

"How does your mother feel about that?" Nikaj pretended not to hear her uncle, immersed in the problem before her. "Nika?" he asked. "She doesn't know, does she?"

Nikaj looked up at him, pouting. "You won't tell her, will you? She was the one who told me I could apply if I still want to in a year, and I know I'll still want to, Oeyum. How will I ever pass the entrance exam if I don't study?"

Chakotay sighed. "Your secret's safe with me."

Nikaj jumped up from the table and threw her arms around her uncle. "Thank you, Oeyum."

"Now, you better be getting home before your mother starts to wonder where you are."

"Can't we just finish this problem?"

"You can finish it tomorrow." He glanced at the clock on the wall. "Your mother probably has dinner ready by now."

Nikaj made a face. "But the admiral's going to leave soon. It's been a week."

"Nikaj," Chakotay said in a warning tone.

"Okay." The last thing Nikaj wanted was for her uncle to be mad at her. "I'll see you tomorrow, Oeyum. Thank you for the help, Admiral."

"You're welcome, Nikaj. I'll be happy to help you with more of these problems if I have time." The girl smiled and left the room. When she heard the front door close, Janeway turned to Chakotay. "I hope you don't mind my helping her. I ran into her in town today and she asked me if I'd be willing to meet her after her shift at the station."

Chakotay chuckled. "I'm sure that she 'ran into' you on purpose, Kathryn. She's been anxious for any excuse to spend more time with you ever since you arrived." Janeway blushed. "And, no, I don't mind at all. Sekaya will protest, but in the end, she just wants her daughter to be happy."

Kathryn nodded and cleared the PADDs off the table. "How was your day?"

"Very busy. I was thinking about making roasted vegetables tonight, something simple. How does that sound?"

"It sounds delicious. Can I help?"

"Sure." He took out a wooden cutting board and a knife, and handed her an assortment of vegetables. "Chop away."

As she stood at the counter, chopping the vegetables, she cast a sidelong glance at Chakotay. She marveled at how easily they had slipped into a comfortable, domestic routine together, although she supposed she shouldn't be surprised after they had lived in such close quarters for seven years. Their friendship had reasserted itself more strongly than she had imagined was possible in a week, and although she had originally planned to stay for only one week, she was finding that the thought of leaving now made her incredibly sad. "I was thinking about your drainage issue," she said casually.

He laughed. Leave it to Kathryn to spend her vacation pondering an engineering problem. "And?"

"I think I have some ideas about how to solve it."

"I'm sure that B'Elanna would be interested to hear any ideas you have."

"I've also been putting some thought into the transportation dilemma."

"Oh?" Chakotay had spent the entire day pondering the issue of effective transit between the different settlements on the colony and had yet to come up with a solution he considered satisfactory. The limited resources available on Dorvan presented a huge challenge.

"I think I could design a solar powered high speed rail system."

Chakotay looked up from the pot of rice he was preparing. "You what?"

She grinned. "I think I could design a high speed rail system that would provide transportation between the settlements, and that would be powered by the sun. It's so damn hot here all the time, we might as well use it for something."

"There are a few months in the winter when it gets quite cold."

"That's okay. I think we could store up enough energy during the rest of the year to get us through about sixty days without sunlight. According to your weather records, there's rarely been a year with that many cloudy days."

He put the pot down on the stove and stepped closer to her, wondering if she realized the implications of what she was saying. "We could store up enough energy?"

For a second, she froze, her eyes riveted on his. Then she broke his gaze and looked down at the vegetables. "You," she corrected herself hastily. "You could store up enough energy." He returned to his pot, and as she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw a flicker of disappointment cross his features. "Anyway," she continued hesitantly, "I'd like to work on the problem, if you think it might be a viable solution."

"From Earth?" he asked, and she thought she heard a tinge of bitterness in his tone.

She put down the knife and stepped towards him, reaching out to touch his arm. "From here." He put down his pot again and looked at her quizzically. "I still have about two months of leave. I'd like to spend it on Dorvan, if that's okay with you." She paused. "Of course, I'll find somewhere else to stay. I hear Jor has a spare room for rent..."

"You don't want to stay here?" he interrupted her.

"I don't want to put you out, Chakotay. I've already been enough of an inconvenience to you."

"You're not an inconvenience."

"I'd pay, of course."

"I don't think that's necessary." He turned back to his cooking and tried to suppress a smile. "Besides, who would chop vegetables for me if you weren't here?"

He spoke jokingly, but she could tell there was a weight behind his words. He really didn't want her to go, she realized. Truth be told, she would much rather stay with him than rent Jor's spare room, anyway. "Well, that settles it," she said, going back to her chopping. "Housework in exchange for rent. Although I'm sure I'm getting the better end of that bargain." She felt a sharp pain in her finger and dropped her knife, pulling her hand away from the chopping board. "Ouch!"

"What happened?" Chakotay was at her side in an instant.

"It's nothing," she insisted, sucking on her left index finger. "I cut myself."

"Here, run it under cold water," instructed Chakotay, guiding her over to the sink and turning it on. "I'll get a bandage."

She ran the cut under the cold water. It stung, but she didn't think it was too deep. She heard Chakotay rummaging around in another room, and a few moments later, he reemerged with a small bandage. He turned off the water and took her hand, drying her finger carefully. She did not look at him as his touch sent a tingle through her entire body. Honestly Kathryn, she thought. Get hold of yourself.

"It doesn't look too deep," he said. "This bandage should take care of it."

"What, no dermal regenerator?" she joked, trying to hide from him the trembling of her hand as he bandaged her finger.

"We can't afford to stock every house with one around here. You're not in San Francisco anymore."

She chuckled. "That much was clear to me when I arrived."

He finished bandaging her finger and ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "That should do it."

She looked up at him, her breath stuck in her throat, as he continued to gently massage her hand. Then she pulled her hand away abruptly. "Thank you, Chakotay." She went back to her cutting board and buried her gaze in her chopping.

He let her go, but all through dinner as they discussed her ideas about the solar powered rail system, he felt the memory of her hand in his, so soft, small and delicate. He felt her trembling when he touched her and remembered the look in her eyes for that brief moment before she had pulled away.

When she retreated to her bedroom later that night, she could still feel the gentle massage of his thumb over her hand, back and forth, back and forth. She had been genuinely surprised at the strength of her reaction to his touch; she had thought she was long past that sort of feeling where Chakotay was concerned. It was just a reaction brought on by their cramped quarters and the stress she'd been through recently, she told herself. It was nothing more than that. Still, it took Kathryn an unusually long time to fall asleep that night.

* * *

_TWO WEEKS LATER_

The communicator Kathryn had been using buzzed on the table beside her, and she activated it. "Janeway here."

"There's a storm coming in," Chakotay said, sounding worried. "It looks like a whopper. Where are you?"

"I'm at your house with Nikaj."

"That's good. You'll be safe there."

"Should I go home, Oeyum?" Nikaj piped up from across the table.

"No, stay there with Kathryn. This storm is moving in faster than any of us expected, and I don't want you to get caught out in it. It could be very dangerous."

"Is there anything that needs to be done here?" Kathryn asked.

"Make sure all the windows are shut. There are some storm shutters in the storage closet; you could put them up. I built the house to withstand these storms; I guess this will be a good test. I need to secure the fields and some of the other construction, but I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I'll come help you," Janeway offered.

"No. We don't need any more people out here than we already have. Both of you, stay there. Keep each other safe."

"Be careful, Chakotay." The comm signal ended, and, as if on cue, a huge gust of wind whipped around the house. Janeway looked at Nikaj. "Let's put up those storm shutters." The two women found the storage closet and brought out the shutters, then secured them to every window in the house. As they worked, the storm worsened. Rain began to fall, first in a little pitter-patter, then in a hard drive.

"There's going to be flooding," Nikaj said as they went back to the kitchen.

"I thought that Dorvan had a hot, dry climate."

"Usually it does. We have a rain storm once or twice a year. If it's a bad one, there's always flooding." Nikaj paused to listen to the sounds of the wind and rain. "This one's going to be a bad one." At that moment, there was a loud bang and a bright flash, and Janeway nearly jumped out of her seat. Nikaj laughed. "Relax, Admiral. It's just a plasma discharge in the atmosphere."

"I hate lightning storms," Janeway muttered, "always have."

"The great Starfleet admiral is afraid of lightning storms?" Nikaj said incredulously.

"I didn't say I was afraid. I just said I..."

"...hate them," Nikaj finished for her. "Yeah, right." The teenager suddenly froze, afraid that she'd been too familiar with her uncle's friend, but then she saw Janeway fighting against a sheepish smile, and she relaxed. Before either of them could say anything else, the lights in the house flickered and then went out. Janeway looked at Nikaj questioningly. "They probably turned off the power generator. If it's on when it floods, the damage will be very hard to repair, so we turn it off when we think there's going to be too much rain."

Kathryn nodded, picking up the flashlight they had used to find the shutters in the closet. "Does your uncle have any candles?"

"I think so."

Janeway held the flashlight while Nikaj rummaged through cabinets and drawers and finally found several candles and a set of matches. They lit a few in the kitchen and placed one on the bathroom counter, making sure to save a few of the candles for later. Outside, the rain poured down and the wind howled. Janeway glanced towards the door, thinking of Chakotay, out in the storm, wishing she was helping him instead of being warm and dry in his house. She saw Nikaj's worried expression and decided they both needed a distraction. "How about some hot cocoa?" she suggested.

Nikaj's face brightened. "That sounds delicious."

She had lived in Chakotay's house for almost a month, and Janeway knew where everything was in his kitchen. The stove was powered by fossil fuel and did not run off the generator, so it would work without power. She used a match to light it and made the hot chocolate over a burner. She poured the rich drink into two mugs and sat down with Nikaj at the table. "Here you go."

"Thanks." Nikaj looked into the cocoa and then towards one of the shuttered windows. "I should have been at home."

"There was no way for you to know how fast the storm was coming. It's better for you to be safe."

"My mom is all alone. I'm worried about her."

Janeway felt a lump rise in her throat. Her mother had been all alone, too. She had died all alone. But Kathryn pushed down her emotions and focused on her young companion. "I hope you don't mind my asking, Nikaj, but what happened to your father?"

The girl's eyes clouded. "He died in the Maquis. The Cardassians killed him."

"I'm so sorry."

Nikaj tried to shrug it off. "It's okay. I was only nine; I've lived almost half my life without him."

Kathryn reached across the table and took Nikaj's hand. The girl looked up, surprised at the gesture. "That doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt," Janeway said gently. "My father died almost twenty years ago, and I still miss him every day."

"Really?" Nikaj scooted her chair closer to Janeway's. "What happened?"

Kathryn looked away for a moment. After all these years, it was still hard for her to talk about. "We were on a test flight for an experimental shuttle, and he died in a crash."

Nikaj covered her mouth with her hand. "You were there?" Janeway nodded. "Oh my god."

Kathryn squeezed Nikaj's hand. "It's all right. It was a long time ago."

"But that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt," Nikaj quoted Kathryn's words back at her.

Janeway pulled the girl close in a hug. "That's right, it doesn't." She broke away when she heard the banging of the front door. Both women jumped up from their chairs and hurried out of the kitchen.

"Oeyum!"

In the entryway, Chakotay stood, sopping wet, removing his boots. "I see you got the storm shutters up."

"Chakotay!" Janeway exclaimed, grabbing a blanket from the nearest couch and wrapping it tightly around his shoulders. "You're soaked to the bone."

"It's wet out there," he agreed as he gathered the blanket around himself. As long as he had been working to secure the settlement, adrenaline had flowed through him and he had felt fine. Now that he was in the warmth of his own house, he suddenly felt chilled and exhausted. Kathryn rubbed his arms as she held the blanket around him and walked him into the kitchen.

"Why don't you change out of those wet clothes and I'll make you some hot cocoa," she suggested.

"S-s-sounds good." Chakotay's teeth were beginning to chatter. Janeway made some more hot chocolate over the stove while he changed. Nikaj picked up a PADD and settled into one of the comfy chairs in the living room to read.

Chakotay emerged from his bedroom in jeans and a warm sweater and sat down at the table. Kathryn handed him the warm cocoa and he held it between his hands gratefully. "Did you manage to secure all the construction?" she asked.

"We did our best. The storm came up on us really quickly. I'm afraid there's going to be lots of damage."

Nikaj looked over the back of her chair. "Did you see Mom? Is she okay?"

"I checked on her before I came home and told her that you were safe here. She's fine, Nika. Her house has been through many storms."

"Yeah." Nikaj went back to her reading, pretending not to be worried.

The storm raged outside. The wind rattled the shutters as rain beat down on the house, and Kathryn felt grateful for the solid roof over their heads. She couldn't help but think back to a plasma storm she and Chakotay had shared on a far away planet. They hadn't had a solid roof over their heads then, and it had been only a flimsy table and the strength of Chakotay's arms that had protected her from the harsh elements. She closed her eyes as she remembered the way he had held her through the night. That storm, in destroying the scientific equipment she had prized so dearly, had fostered a closeness between her and Chakotay - a closeness that she had later lost, and now, she hoped, regained.

Chakotay cooked them a meal on the stove, and after dinner, he lit a fire in the fireplace. Nikaj had fallen asleep in her chair and Kathryn gently extricated the PADD from her hand and laid it on the table next to her. Chakotay was sitting on the sofa staring at the fire, and Kathryn sat at the other end of the couch, curling her feet underneath herself. "A penny for your thoughts." She spoke softly so she wouldn't wake Nikaj.

"I was just thinking how nice it's been for Nika to have you here. She's really going to miss you when you go."

Janeway looked away, noting that he had mentioned only the effect of her absence on his niece, not on himself. His words had a tone of finality to them - when you go. "I've enjoyed getting to know her, too. And I still have a few weeks of leave."

"But then you are going to go, aren't you, Kathryn?"

"I have to get back to my life." He nodded slowly and returned to gazing at the fire. "Would you ever consider coming back to Earth, Chakotay?"

"I can't leave Dorvan. Surely you can see that. These people depend on me. And besides that, I'm happy here."

"Yes," she whispered. "Yes, I do see that." Abruptly, she stood. "Well, I'm going up to bed. I'll see you in the morning." She took a candle from the kitchen table and retreated before she had the chance to see the disappointment that crossed her friend's face.

* * *

_THE NEXT MORNING  
_

The storm had ended early in the morning, and after eating a light breakfast, Chakotay, Kathryn, and Nikaj ventured out of the house. Nikaj ran home to make sure her mother was all right, and Chakotay and Kathryn walked towards the center of town to investigate the damage. Chakotay's house had weathered the storm well, but as they walked towards the settlement, many displaced rocks and fallen tree branches obstructed their path. The ground was thick with mud that squished under their boots as they walked. Chakotay activated his communicator. "Chakotay to B'Elanna."

"Torres here."

"Everyone okay there?"

"We're fine. Our basement flooded. I imagine the same is true of a lot of people."

"I'm going to contact Mike and Mariah and have them organize teams to make sure everyone's okay. Can you and Tom meet me in the center of town? We'll see if we can reactivate the generator, and then we'll go check out the fields and the construction to see how bad the damage is."

"Sure. I need to feed Miral, but I'll send Tom down and I'll meet you there in a few minutes."

"Thanks B'Elanna. Chakotay out."

Fortunately, the generator was unharmed and had not flooded, and Chakotay, Tom and Kathryn were able to reactivate it before B'Elanna arrived, carrying baby Miral in a sling in front of her. After reactivating the power, the four headed to investigate what other damage had been done. When they arrived at the edge of the fields, they stopped and stared in silence.

Tom's carefully installed irrigation system had been pulled up and mangled by the high winds, and the entire area was badly flooded. There was no way they could plant the crops that the settlement needed under these conditions. Even the drier areas of the fields were covered with debris from the wrecked irrigation system. Kathryn looked up at Chakotay, and the scope of the devastation was more apparent on his face than it was by looking at the field. She reached over and took his hand. He remained motionless, in shock. Tom had wrapped his arm around his wife and had tears in his eyes. All the work they had done for six months, ruined in a single night.

Kathryn squeezed Chakotay's hand and leaped into action. "Chakotay, Tom, start clearing that debris," she said, adopting her best command tone. "B'Elanna, organize a team to help us. We're going to start draining these fields."

The next several hours passed quickly as Kathryn coordinated teams to clear the debris from the fields. Under B'Elanna's supervision, one team created a mechanism to drain the water. Janeway got into the muck herself several times, helping Jor to pull a stubborn piece of debris out of the mud or assisting Yosa to set up a complicated component of the drainage mechanism. As the day wore on, they made significant progress, and Janeway estimated that they could have the fields ready for planting within two or three weeks, only a little later than they had originally planned.

After a communal meal prepared by a group of the colonists, Chakotay and Kathryn returned to his house, exhausted. "Did you hear from Sekaya?" she asked as he handed her a cup of tea and sat down across from her at the table.

He nodded. "She's fine. Miraculously, no one was seriously injured. Everyone heeded the warnings and stayed inside. Lots of people have flooding. One of the other settlements at a lower elevation had bigger problems with that than we did. I'll send a team there tomorrow. The worst of the damage was to the fields and the apartments we just started building. That construction has been set back by several weeks, I think."

Kathryn sipped her tea. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. All your hard work gone to waste."

"What can we do? We can keep doing our best, that's all. We can't control the weather." He paused. "Thank you for what you did today."

"What did I do?" she asked with a chuckle. "I got on my hands and knees in the dirt, like everyone else did."

He shook his head. "I think I would have just stood there staring at the field and feeling sorry for myself if you hadn't taken charge of the situation. All I could think was how that was six months of my life down the drain. And then you jumped in and started ordering us all around and I couldn't think about that anymore."

Kathryn laughed. "Well, if there's one thing I know how to do, it's how to give orders." She rolled her head from one side to the other, trying to ease the stiffness in her neck. She reached up with one hand to rub the sore muscles, bowing her head.

Chakotay stood and rounded her chair. Gently, he took her hand from the back of her neck and placed it down on the table. She felt a jolt of electricity shoot through her when his hand touched hers, and then she felt his strong hands on her skin, soothing away the tension, rubbing away the knots in her muscles. It was eerily reminiscent of a moment on that distant planet years before, but his hands were less hesitant now than they had been then, and she did not shy away from his touch. Instead, she allowed his hands to massage her shoulders, her neck and the base of her scalp, and then work their way lower down her back.

"Oh," she moaned, leaning forward in her chair, "Chakotay, that feels wonderful."

He worked on her back and neck for a long time, until he felt the tense muscles begin to release under his fingers. He ran his hands down the length of her back lightly and whispered in her ear, "Better?" She turned her head and found her lips just inches from his. Tired of containing himself and controlling his emotions, he inched closer, giving her ample time to back away if she wanted to.

She didn't move, and his lips met hers. Soft. They were so soft, she thought. How could his lips be so soft? The kiss was gentle, and his tongue probed her mouth, tasting her, getting to know her lips and her tongue. She kept thinking, This isn't real, even as her mouth responded to his. Slowly, he broke the kiss and smiled at her.

For a second, she smiled, too, but then her face clouded over and he backed away. "Chakotay," she said softly, tears springing to her eyes, "I still have to leave."

He blinked and looked away from her. "Of course," he said to the wall. "I know."

Without another word, she ran up the stairs and hid herself in her bedroom. What had she done? she wondered. How could she have allowed things between them to go so far? She should have stopped the massage before it began; she should have known where it would lead, but in the moment, it had felt so good, so right, that she hadn't wanted to stop him. He had given her time to back away before the kiss; oh, why hadn't she? She regretted it now. Chakotay was still in shock from the storm and all the damage it had caused, she reasoned. It was only natural that he would seek comfort from her, and she had just not been thinking straight.

As she lay in bed in the dark, her thoughts whirled. Chakotay seemed to have everything she was missing so sorely - a community, a close knit family, and a job that fulfilled and inspired him. How could she have those things without breaking her commitment to Starfleet? She couldn't see a way. Leaving Starfleet was not an option; serving was her passion and a huge piece of her identity, even if her current position was not the best fit for her. It seemed that she had to choose between the personal life she wanted so desperately and the career she had dedicated her life to achieving. As she tried in vain to fall asleep, she attempted to see a way that she could have both, but sleep and the answers she sought eluded her.

* * *

_THREE DAYS LATER_

Since the uncomfortable moment following their kiss, Janeway and Chakotay had barely spoken. The house was filled with an awkward tension, and they avoided each other as they worked. Chakotay spent most of his time in his office while Kathryn coordinated the clean up of the field and helped Tom repair his broken irrigation system. Tom and B'Elanna noticed the tension between their former commanding officers, but they knew better than to try and interfere. They had witnessed enough spats between the two to know that, eventually, they would work things out on their own. Finally, Kathryn decided she had overstayed her welcome, and when she walked into the transport station that afternoon, she had every intention of booking a flight off of Dorvan.

Nikaj looked up at the admiral in disbelief. "You're leaving?"

"I think I've imposed on your uncle long enough. Besides, I need to get back to work."

"I thought you still had another six weeks of leave."

"I do, but it's going to take at least two weeks to get back to Earth, and I'll need some time to get organized when I get home."

Nikaj's face spoke volumes; you've got to be kidding me, the girl's expression seemed to say. "If you say so," were the words that came out of her mouth.

"Nikaj, I know you're upset, but I have to get back to my life."

"It seems like you have everything you need for a life right here."

Janeway shook her head. "I don't belong here. You saw that from the moment I walked off that transport."

Nikaj's eyes danced at the memory, and she looked a bit contrite. "I admit, when you first walked in that door, I thought, who is this high and mighty admiral who's gonna disrupt our lives. But that's not what happened. I like having you here. Oeyum likes having you here."

"I don't think so," Kathryn answered, placing her hands on her hips. "I've disrupted Chakotay's life. I never should have come."

Nikaj crossed her own arms over her chest, leaning back in her chair and scrutinizing Janeway. "Just what do you have to go back to that's so important?"

"My job for one. I'm a Starfleet admiral. I have responsibilities."

"Don't you have responsibilities here, too? Oeyum always says that Voyager wasn't just a crew, that you were family out there. Don't you have a responsibility to your family?"

Janeway felt a lump rise in her throat as she thought of her mother. That was how all this had started - she had lost her family, or a big part of it. Could Nikaj be right? Did she have the family she had lost right in front of her? She pushed the thought away, frowning. "Chakotay was happy before I came. He told me as much. Happier than he ever was on Voyager with me. And he'll be happy again when I leave. I've done nothing but upset and confuse him."

"You're wrong."

Janeway bristled. "Excuse me?"

"Oeyum will never be happy as long as you stay away from this place."

"Don't be ridiculous."

Nikaj rounded her desk to stand next to Janeway. "It's true. He is happy here, you're right about that - or happy enough, at least. But you don't see how lonely he feels when I go home at night and he sits at his table, drinking tea by himself. You don't see the way he looks at Miral and Kish and the other children when he thinks no one is paying attention. You don't see the expression on his face when my mom tells him to find some nice woman and settle down. He always looks so sad when she says that, because he's already found a nice woman he wants to settle down with. It's just that she's halfway across the galaxy."

Kathryn looked at the teenager in bewilderment for a moment before realization dawned and she breathed, "Me?"

Nikaj threw up her hands. "I thought Starfleet admirals were supposed to be smart. Yes, you! My uncle's in love with you, Admiral, and I think you're in love with him, too. But he won't push you, and you're too afraid to admit your feelings, even to yourself, so you keep having all these arguments and thinking it's because you don't love each other, when really it's because you do."

Janeway's hand flew to her mouth and she stood there, stunned. Nikaj, having observed her and Chakotay together for only a few weeks, had identified a pattern they had been in for years - drawing close and then pulling away when their relationship became too intense. She had come to Dorvan to repair her friendship with Chakotay but had instead fallen into old patterns with him. If their relationship was ever going to change, she realized, she had to be the one to approach it differently.

Nikaj retreated angrily behind the desk and busied herself at her computer terminal, trying not to let the admiral see the tears that threatened to roll down her cheeks. She had let her anger get the best of her, she realized - anger at the admiral for leaving, anger at the world for being the way it was, anger that two people who loved each other could not simply be together and be happy. There was enough suffering; people shouldn't make life more for difficult for themselves, she thought as she punched keys on her computer terminal with unnecessary vigor. A few minutes later, she looked up and realized that Janeway had not moved. Fine, just stand there, she thought. I don't care. Do whatever the hell you want.

Finally, the admiral spoke. "Not very many people would say those things to a Starfleet admiral, Nikaj."

The girl looked up from her terminal, tossing her long, black hair behind her shoulders. "I thought good Starfleet officers tell the truth, even when it's an unpopular viewpoint."

This elicited a smile from Janeway. "They do. You'll make a good Starfleet officer someday." She paused. "You've given me a lot to think about."

"Do you still want to book that transport, Admiral?"

"Not yet, Nikaj. I have some things I have to do, first."

* * *

_FIVE HOURS LATER_

Chakotay couldn't concentrate. He had picked up one of his carvings and fiddled with it for a while, he had read a bit of the news, he had even pulled out his sand painting supplies, but he couldn't concentrate on any of it. Kathryn was gone, at least as far as he could tell. She had taken her small, black suitcase, and Tabor had seen her headed for the transport station earlier that day.

I never should have pushed her, he thought. Our friendship was finally blossoming again and then I went and ruined it. I knew she had to leave; she's been very clear about that all along. Why did I kiss her? Why did I let myself give into those feelings now, after all these years? Stupid. Stupid old man. It's time to let go of her, as you should have done long ago.

He picked up his sand painting supplies and started to put them away when he heard the front door open. "Sekaya?" he called. He wasn't expecting company. "Nika?" When there was no reply, he stepped towards the door... and froze.

Kathryn stood on his doorstep, suitcase in hand. "I'm sorry if I worried you. I had some thinking to do so I went for a walk."

"I thought you had left."

"I was going to. I went to the transport station to book a flight, but then I had a long conversation with your niece."

"Nikaj?" Chakotay was dumbfounded.

"You only have one niece."

"Nika convinced you to stay?"

"No, but she gave me some things to think about. I went for a walk to clear my head."

Chakotay thought back to when Tabor had seen her at the transport station. "You went for a five hour walk?"

"I had a lot to think about." She paused, trying not to laugh at his stunned expression. "May I come in?"

He realized that she was still standing in the doorway, and he stepped aside, gesturing to the living room. "Sure." She left her suitcase just inside the door, and he followed her as she went into the living room and sat down on the couch. He remained standing. "I still don't understand."

"Please, sit down, Chakotay." Hesitantly, he sat on the opposite end of the couch, and to Kathryn, it felt like he was a world away. "I'd like to talk to you."

"I'm listening."

Janeway looked away. He wasn't making this easy for her, but why should he, after the way she'd treated him, first ignoring his friendship when he and the others had moved to Dorvan, then continually pushing him away since she had arrived. Her walk that afternoon had given her a much needed clarity, more clarity than she'd had in a very long time, and she knew she needed to share that with him now, completely and openly, if they were going to be able to move forward.

"When I first arrived on Dorvan, you asked me why I came." She paused, searching his eyes. "I told you I needed to get away, but that wasn't the whole reason." She paused again, unaccustomed to sharing her feelings so freely. "Ever since my mother died, I've had this gaping hole in my heart. I thought that I was dealing with her death just fine, but then, one day in the middle of a meeting, I completely lost track of the conversation. Admiral Hayes asked me a question and I didn't even hear him."

"That's not like you." Chakotay scooted a little closer to her on the sofa, relieved that she was finally talking about everything she had been holding in.

"No, it's not. And when I almost cried in the middle of another meeting, I knew I wasn't dealing with everything as well as I thought."

"Oh, Kathryn." Chakotay reached over and took her hand.

The gesture was unexpected, and she felt tears well up in her eyes. She brushed them away with her free hand. "I've always been 'Gretchen's daughter,' but now I'm not, anymore. I'm no one's daughter, I'm no one's mother, I'm no one's wife. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely even anyone's friend." The tears began to flow down her cheeks, and this time she made no attempt to wipe them away. "I'll always be Phoebe's sister, but she lives so far away that she and her family can't be part of my daily life. I looked around me and realized I had no one, Chakotay. We had a sense of family on Voyager, even though I couldn't truly appreciate it at the time. It was a conversation with Harry Kim that made me realize that's what I was missing - a family, a community, a sense of belonging somewhere. I didn't realize how much my mother gave me that until she was gone."

Chakotay wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into him, allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder. She placed her hand against his chest as her tears fell silently onto his cotton shirt. As she felt the steady beating of his heart under her hand and settled into his warmth, Kathryn felt safe, protected and loved. What she had been looking for had been here, right in front of here, all this time. She didn't know how Chakotay felt for her or what he wanted from their relationship, but for perhaps the first time since she had known him, she knew exactly how she felt about him. She pulled back from his embrace to look at him through her tears. "I came here looking for something I lost."

He reached out to brush her tears away with the pads of his fingers. "Did you find it?"

"I think so." She paused. "Chakotay, I..." She paused again, searching for the words. "Harry said that they all relied on me, on Voyager, for my strength, my wisdom. He asked me who I had to rely on, and I couldn't answer him then. But I have you, don't I?" She searched his face anxiously for an answer and found it in his smile.

"You always have, Kathryn." He pulled her into him, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him close.

As she felt his fingers on the nape of her neck, she smiled into his shoulder and held him tighter. God, how I love this man, she thought, and the thought surprised her. She pulled away from him abruptly, and confusion and disappointment permeated his features. He thought she was going to withdraw again, she realized. But instead of a cold shutter falling over her eyes, they were warm and open as she looked at him in wonderment. "I love you."

Chakotay wondered if he was dreaming, but then he felt the feather soft touch of her fingers on his cheek, and when she traced the lines of his tattoo, a shiver ran through him, and he realized that this was very real. "I love you," he replied. And then there was no more need for words as he lowered himself over her, and they sank into the sofa cushions as his mouth found hers for a deep and passionate kiss.

Two days later

A knock sounded at the door of Chakotay's house, and Kathryn called, "Come in!" When Nikaj entered the room, Janeway put down the pot she was washing. The teenager looked subdued.

"I came to apologize for the way I sounded at the station the other day, Admiral," Nikaj said. "You've been nothing but good to me, and I was rude and thoughtless. I'm sorry." Nikaj's jet black hair fell forward across her face as she lowered her head.

Janeway walked over to the girl and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Nikaj, you don't have anything to apologize for. You told me the truth, and it was exactly what I needed to hear."

Nikaj looked up in surprise. "You're not mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad at you. And I have good news. I'm going to be staying on Dorvan for a while."

"What about Starfleet?"

"I spoke to Admiral Hayes yesterday. It's not official yet, but I think I managed to convince him that this region needs a Federation liaison, someone's who's stationed here."

Nikaj's eyes widened. "You?" Janeway nodded. "Admiral, that's wonderful!"

Janeway laughed and put her arm around Nikaj's shoulders. "Nikaj, I think it's time you started calling me Kathryn. After all, we're going to be family from now on."

Nikaj beamed as she tucked her arm around Janeway's waist. "Well, in that case, you can call me Nika." The two women walked out of the house, chattering eagerly as they went to meet Chakotay, and Kathryn felt, as they walked up the path towards the settlement, that she had finally come home.


End file.
